Some of you are aware that my dad has advanced cancer and has been staying with myself and my partner Sean prior to going into hospital for the last month with complications.
I wanted to share with you just one of the key insights that has downloaded during this intense personal journey –
Neutrality and Acceptance
In the beginning and during the 3 weeks of my dad living with us, he was in intense pain almost 24hrs a day. I have not lived with my dad since I was 13yrs old and here I was with my dad bunking in with our 14yr old son, needing more attention and care than him. My partner who is an aquarian like myself also values his space and his freedom to do what ever he wants to do now had a sick 69yr old man in his space. Plus his beloved devoting herself to caring for him.
With dad around, in pain and constantly vocalising his discomfort things were stressed and strained to say the least. Watching him in so much pain and not being able to take it away was heart breaking.
I am very different to the rest of my blood family. I don’t share the same perspectives on life or on being human. So when it comes to illness and the body, dad and I are not sitting around drinking herbal tea getting deep and meaningful. Just Asking him to drink a glass of celery juice was a huge stretch….(with lots of gagging lol) It didn’t take me long to move on to a simple banana smoothie!
Then came the triggers for my inner child – the memories and wounds of being over looked, disrespected, ignored, told I was stupid and queer, never heard or seen… they all came flooding back!
With them came avalanches of intense pain and emotion, tears, frustration and anger! I was seeing myself and the way I had existed in my family and with my dad and the men in my life, the patterning and the enabling of disrespect while trying to prove my worthiness. The way I had made excuses for and put men on a pedestal while I stayed small and waited to be acknowledged…
I would cry, I would write what I was being shown, commune with my self and allow my self to feel every emotion within every cell of my body while I held my heart open as wide as I could, expanding my self rather than contracting in pain.
I chose to do this without any judgment.
Without the judgment there was no attachment. Just realisations and deeper awareness.
I was just experiencing the experience of the emotion.
Each time I consciously did this my heart would expand and I would fall deeper and deeper in to my self.
The experience of the pain got shorter and the inner alchemy became more powerful the more I embraced the experience.
Then I met a new experience – Neutrality.
This one blew my mind. Literally!
After weeks and weeks of intense emotions, feeling and acknowledging my deepest wounds, came this place of almost nothingness, but it wasn’t nothing, it was everything – My Everything.
I had softened and leaned in so deeply to myself that I arrived at my core place of BEing where I could stand and meet life with neutrality and full acceptance.
Once I understood where I was and what I was doing there, I began to consciously go there each day I was at the hospital and each time I was experiencing a difficult or uncomfortable conversation or interaction.
Im not going to bullshit you and tell you that I have stayed there because I have not, but I can tell you that it is a practice that has completely changed my life and my relationship with my self.
It has enabled me to let go, to be at peace, experience the flow of grace more, to honour myself on a deeper level, to commune with my higher self and my I AM presence more fully and to witness my dads journey as his own without feeling like I have to save him from himself.
It IS possible, to love another completely unconditionally without expecting them to change anything once you enter this space within your own heart.
Its been one huge journey, one that my dad and I put our hands up for long long ago. Its not over and we are both guiding each other home to our hearts, where we can remember more of who we are. There is purpose in pain and there will most likely always be pain along the journey of your purpose here on earth.
My intention for sharing this with you, is to take you on a journey of possibility as you read about my own experience. All you need now is the intention to go there yourself coupled with conscious action to practice it.
Once you intend, your higher self will guide you.
listen. Feel. Allow.
I believe in you. I see you.